I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. - John 15:5

Monday, January 30, 2006
Man I feel like a walnut stuck in it's shell as of late. I've again slacked on my blog. I feel stupid and guilty of so many things. I keep thinking of my dad a lot every day. I don't seem to cry anymore and this makes me feel guilty that it dose not hurt anymore. I feel that god has given me the strength to go on in my life. BUT I feel guilty of not being more heart broken about my dad. After all he was my father and my mentor no matter what mistakes he did in life. I feel that in September I was on top of the world. I was violent for Jesus. Dance, Jump, Sing. Do whatever to glorify our lord. Then October hit and I didn't go to church cause it was Thanks Giving. So that made me feel so empty inside for not giving god the glory and praise he deserved. Then my father died and all passion seemed to leave my body. I don't dance anymore. I hardly sing, I never jump. I feel like a walnut stuck in its shell. Empty and unfulfilled for I am not able to give god his glory. I didn't go to church this Sunday. I felt no need nor want to go. This worries me now that I think of it. Where am I going with this? I think I'm going down hill. I'm back in a place where I was when I came to Brantford. Empty and unfulfilled in life. Uncertain of my future, uncertain of my fate. I don't believe god has abandoned me because god always carries me through my hard times in life. On my way home tonight god was speaking to me about a quote that is on our Church card. It says "You have come to fight as free men and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom". Which is a quote from brave heart from the famous William Wallace. I feel that god is talking to me about my choices. My choice to give praise even though I don't feel like it. Or even go to church for that matter. Don't get me wrong I love god with my whole being. I'm not giving up on anything. Nor am I saying I won't be at church this coming Sunday. But I feel I need a breakthrough of this bondage that is holding me down. I don't want to hold back. It is my deepest desire to serve god full hearted and give him all his praise. It is my desire to help people in other countries which I have started by sponsoring a child in India. But I want to do more then that. I pray that god releases me to do these things but yet I sit idle doing nothing. I'm confused and lost in my own self to see the light that the lord has for me in my path. If you would pray for me I would appreciate it!

May God bless your life in abundance!
Posted by Whitepyro @ 5:26 AM   2 comments

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