Today is a day in a long while that I've gotten to post whats on my mind. It's something I have been putting off for some time. And rightfully so.

A day doesn't go by that I don't think of my father I'm with a daily reminder of him. Something that I thought I could never do is think about 1 thing every day. But it has and its not for the good reasons of it all. I think a lot about the past and its hurtful to me to remember the things of old. The things of hurt that have encumbered my heart and has been holding me back. I have yet to have resolution to the results in my dad's death. And this bothers me quiet a bit.

My relationship with god has been null and void the last while. Its as if I've hit a rock wall and can not get through. I believe I've reached a stalemate for the time being. My spiritual life is stale and old. I see everyone going further but I remain stagnant and its frustrating. Mind you I know people are going to say its my fault and I will say i tend to agree. I have so much passion for people, but church has become a chore for me, most of the time I don't want to be there. I go because people will wonder about where I've been or why I wasn't there and I can't bother to get called on the phone. I know this is a harsh way of thinking but its how I feel and I want to be open and honest with my friends and family who actually read this. Maybe they can pray for me. And I hope they can and will. But if I'm not honest then they can't help me right?

a lot of my problems I feel stem from my dad. Most of the time its "Ever since my dad died ....." or "Before I got jumped......". But mostly before my dad died. I believe this are 2 turning points in my life. Stuff where things went into a revolt in my spirit and things changed if I liked it or not. Some things were extremely good some were very painful to go through. Most of the time I just feel like crying. But because of my arrogance and my pride I hold it back because after all I'm a man and men don't cry right?

Its funny because I rented "Click" on Friday and that movie made me cry a lot at the end where he says good bye to his father. I know this roots from my own personal experience with my dad and loosing him. And the same would go for "ladder 49" where he dies in the fire. I tend to believe I've become bitter and feeling mad with everything. And it doesn't help when at work I'm surrounded by negativity either. I like my job but dislike the people I work with because they're so rude!!

I really hope I can get past this and move on I don't know the cause of it as of late. God hasn't spoken to me in ages and I feel abandoned. That's where I am....

Please pray for me..