Whitepyros Random Rambles: October 2006

Man am I stubborn. Its not often one realizes something about them selves. Yes I'm very stubborn or so says god. I think I had to learn the hard way. As my friend would say "I told you so... Why don't you ever listen to me?" - Paul

You see in my church all the leaders tithe and well I wasn't tithing for the time I've been at Freedom house on a rare occasion I did and before I moved out on my own I cut my tithing off because I had to save money for first/last and well I never got back into tithing after that. See before I started to tithe and till after I moved out on my own my excuses has always been "I can't afford to tithe" (As Paul would say "That's an excuse" and I would say with arrogance "No its a fact"). Do you see that stubbornness? There's probably a bit of arrogance in there too! And once I was on my own my thought process began to say well your on your own now so you can't ever tithe because if you do, you won't be able to pay your bills. You got more responsibility, you now have to pay a phone bill, hydro and even more rent then you paid before. And I hate to say I fell into that lie that Satan wanted me to believe. So from August 2004 till March 2005 I didn't tithe at all. This is what I feel god has been trying to teach me since I was released from my job in March 2005 and were now in Oct 2006. I'm stubborn I suppose to hear gods voice, or I'm mostly unsure if its actually god telling me things. I usually think I'm talking to myself. But on those rare occasions there is without a doubt that god is trying to tell me something and this is one of those instances. God has also been speaking something else to me as well, but I will reserve that for another post as I'm sure it will be lengthy as well.See I believe even through stubbornness god still uses it for his purpose. For the sake of an example would be when god sent Moses/Aaron to Pharaoh numerous times to let his chose people "Israel" go from slavery. I believe all things that I have learnt and also yet to be learnt can benefit others as well. That's why I try to share these things (for the most part anyhow)

See I've learnt from going from over $1200.00/month down to close to $800.00 which was a shell shock for me. Unemployment insurance doesn't pay you a lot, but then again its not supposed to. And I started to became behind on my bills in these past months, I'm luckily enough to say I never lost my apartment in all of this. You see I tend to worry a lot, there were several occasions where I felt there is no way I'm going to ever be able to stay in Brantford. I felt at times that I should give up and go back to st.catharines (my home town) where I could move in with family and not have to worry about bills anymore, at least for a little while. In the end I really didn't want to have to leave Brantford, but because of my worrying I made things worst then they actually were, But at times I couldn't stop myself from thinking things. In the end I was cursing myself, speaking words of death into the situation instead of life.

In the 7 months that I've been off I've seen people show me that they cared about me and there desire for me to stay in Brantford was the same as mine to want me to stay here. My church, My friends and god are my anchor they all work together to help me better myself and others. They give me the emotional support and guidance that I truly need where as my family cannot back in st.catharines. So instead of put my tail between my legs and run to where I know I would be able to survive I decided because god has always said to me "That Brantford is apart of my destiny".

Around September is where I began to worry the most because my Phone Bill and my hydro bill were 3 months behind. I became very frustrated at this point because I had no idea how these things were going to get paid. So I began to question what god had spoke to me and at one point I decided to talk to my pastor and my friend Paul about me moving back to st.catharines because it was becoming to hard for me. Paul and My Pastor both thought it was a bad decision as did I, but what choice did I have. Because if my phone got turned off I couldn't get any calls for jobs. If I had no hydro I couldn't even cook. At that point I became very angry at god. I hate to say it but I felt abandoned. I began to yell at god in prayer saying "WHAT IS I NEED TO DO TO GET PAST THIS? WHAT DO I GOT TO LEARN?".. But I basically got no answer. He decided to remain silent and use others like my friends, and my pastor.

To sum that up My bills got paid by a friend and the pastor helped me with some money so my rent check didn't bounce. God used people to resolve my worrying and I'm able to stay in Brantford because of that. So then I began to think well if god helped me with my bills then whats next, where is a job for me. I need a job!!! With that in mind I went to my small group at Dave's house and we were discussing and we started to discuss prayer and how every time we pray when I'm there and at church they pray Aloud (with there voice). But I like to do it in my head because I feel like I'm talking to myself if I actually speak it with my lips. Dave then responded with "I'm going to challenge you on that". And so I didn't take that challenge for a few days and then I felt like god actually wanted me to speak a prayer to him, so I did my best that I could without trying to feel stupid, mind you it took me a hour to do it. But I prayed my prayer aloud and asked about a job and the next day I received 2 phone calls for interviews. Mind you I had one the week before but that one got cancelled and this was a reschedule. But god prepared that as well and I can now say I'm a working man again. I officially start tomorrow "Monday Oct 25Th".

Now through all this time of being off I finally got my answer to why it took so long, god was teaching me the hard way about tithing, that it is valid, that it is not just paying a pastor, but a true act of obedience. Sure I heard it every Sunday or so, but you see "I'M STUBBORN!". Now even though I am making less money then I was before there is still a surplus of money to tithe. I was unfortunate enough to believe the lie wanted me to believe and I had to pay for it the hard way.

The moral of the story?: BE OBEDIENT!!!