Well its been a few days since I've wrote. I can't say the hard times are over, I wish I could. But it dose not seem like I'm ever going to stop thinking about my dad. I think about him daily these days. So much I have to force myself to be distracted or else I will cry again. Especially today has been quiet difficult for me. I can't loosen my mind from my dad. I miss him so much, I just want him alive and well. Yesterday I went to a grief counsalor and I believe this dug up some old memories that's triggered this effect today. So I feel like I'm carrying what I'm feeling. Probably should give it to god to handle. Its quiet painful :|.

I really don't understand how my dad had to die at 44, and me being only 22. I need my dad. Hes someone I depend on and was always there for me. But I could be there for him. Its kinda funny today though god has been speaking to me in poetry. I got 2 that I remember:

1. I see you in the light of all these things, I hold you close to me. For I was the one that had set you free. Surrender your pain to me, for I will deliver you.
2. In the shadows I wait, I will give you my embrace, for I know your in pain, I love you still the same, in the light of it all he is safe with me. Don't cry for I am with you my son.

So I've never had that happen before so that's cool. I just hope for god to remain with me..

Well I have to run.. God bless

Well today was such an amazing day. I feel so good today its awesome. God is definatly good to me. Its been almost 2 weeks i think since my dad passed. But god is helping me cope with my loss. I'm getting better and better each day. Today at church my pastor (Brian) asked if he could pray for me in front of everyone. So I did and then he called the leaders of the church to help out. And told everyone else to hold there hands up to me and such. It was great. My church has been so supportive. They prayed for me to over come my loss (reminds me of a song "we will over come"). Good song. Pastor (Brian) asked god that he will heal me of my pain and be my comforter and that he would make his presence known to a great extent. My ex-roommate played a song while this was going on. I started to wobble and the leadership team held me up. But I kept slipping till eventually I was on the ground crying. The power of god came over me like a frate train. I tried as hard as I could to stay on my feet. But you can't really fight god hehe. So that was all good, I could feel gods presence all around me. From what I heard I swear I heard someone crying as well with me. But I e-mailed my pastor to see if there was someone over me crying. I really want to know who and why they would cry for me. HeHe..

I am also really happy and proud to say that I'm sponsering a child in India. I went to see a speaker who founded the GFA and so I picked a child. I'm so honored to help this young boy in India his name is Halnar Amol Ramdas and hes 10 yrs old. I hope to bless him and be a friend with him. But I'm really excited :).

Today I went back to work. It was a little hard but I managed to do the whole day at work. My work has been as supportive as possible and that gives me peace and happiness. I just hope I can get the 19TH off so I can go back to St. Catharines to get a family photo done with my family. I really want to go.

As I was doing dishes a came to my senses on some things, I feel I need to express myself so here it goes.

I am truly blessed to have amazing friends and family who were there in my hardest and darkest of times. Especially one of my best friends (my Ex-roommate) Paul. He sang at my fathers funeral, this touches me deeply that he sang. It was also a blessing to have him there as well as my pastor Brian his wife (Sharlyss), Andrea and Dave who managed to come to the viewing. I am thankful for my friends. Plus my mom flew down to be at my dads funeral to pay last respects which also makes me happy. Also I am blessed for my family who I once thought was astranged and didn't care about me. But the matter is it was the other way around. They want me to move back to St. Catharines, but to be honest I would be gone if it wasn't for my amazing church, I love my church. I am honoured to have these amazing people in my life. And I'm sure I've forgot lots of people. But you know who you are.

I love you all so much.

God Bless

I really can't describe the pain I feel. I miss my dad so much, it hurts so much. I feel lost without a paddle to row my boat to shore. I got to pick out my dad's casket to faith during this time. To not being able to stand and collapsing before the funeral and closing my dads casket to cry more. Like i said on my previous post I spoke to yet cry after that as well. I don't understand why this had to happen. Lord bring my dad back. Bring the judgement of this world so I can be with my dad. The pain is so hard father god.

Well we put my dad to rest yesterday. It has to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There probably was about 200 people at the funeral. That makes me happy that friends and family came from far and wide to pay there last respects. We had a private viewing before the funeral started. I found an old picture when my dad was about 18months, I wrote a note to him on the back and put it in his hands. I also put in a picture of me as a baby. A Best Dad pin on his suit. My cousin Ryan put on his paratrooper wings (Ryan is in the army). I collapsed during our private time and had to be carried over to the couch. I also helped close the casket and said goodbye. It was very hard (I started to cry again). My family has been so supportive its great. Its nice to know I have my family back. My ex-roommate sung at the funeral. And my mom Sung as well. My cousin Ryan read something my aunt could not say. And he read a poem called "Your going to Fast" I think.... I went up and read what I wanted to say which follows:
Hello everyone,

I would first like to thank you for coming. I know I say for myself and the rest of my family that we are glad you could make it to pay your last respects to my dad.

You know the memory that has been in my mind for the last few days was when I was about 5 or so. We were at port dalousie and we were fishing. He so wanted me to catch a fish. So we spent all day trying to get me a fish and eventually I did catch a nice small sun fish. He looked at me with such love and happiness that I did catch one. You see my dad spoiled me when I was kid. He loved me lavishly just as god loves to lavish us with his love. Another occasion was probably a little older. We were playing at the park in the leaves and going down the slide just having a fun old time in the leaves.

You know I have no doubts where my father has gone because god has granted me the strength for he is our comforter according to (Matthew 5:4)
Matthew 5:4 (New Living Translation)

God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

I'm also very happy that god gave me a wonderful father. Someone who loved me and cared about me. A thought that comes to my mind right now was when I was in elementary school. I would look at what my dad made me for lunch and think. Wow I'm special my dad made me my lunch. Its those little things that we miss these days. But love is all around us if we see it or not. I've also come to know that he accepted Christ into his life before he passed. This brings me so much joy that I will be able to reunite with my father on the day the lord has marked for me.

I know when I say this that I won't be the only one to miss my father. But I will also miss a friend, a parent, playmate. I thank you god for the life of my father. I will miss him dearly, but I know he lives with you father god without pain and is happy. I thank you lord for your mercy and your grace. So let us celebrate the life of my dad.

[/End Speech]

It took about 10-15 min to read it. It was extremely hard for me to say. I'm just glad that god gave me the strength. After the funeral I went to my Uncle Eric's we were gonna toast my dad. But I out drank everyone :|. I had 5 beers in 2 hours. I got so hammered. I drank more then I anticipated.. OPPS! At least I have no hang over... But I meant to only have 1 or 2. I couldn't walk :|.. But oh well whats done is done on that matter..

I have to run. Thank you for all your prayers..

Josh