Today was a very interesting day. I ended up getting up around noon. I was so tired I worked 9am-5:30 the day before got up for 7:30 so I went to bed at 2am on Sunday morning and got up for noon. Did I mention I had a wonderful hot bath Saturday night? It was so good. I got to relax for once it was great. But anyway I ended up walking to Barbs and we ended up walking to the mall. So basically I had walked 2 1/2 miles from my house to the mall. Then I did it all over again but went to the church which is 3 miles from the mall or so lol. Let me tell you my legs were tired as heck by the time I got there. But anyway I went to the mall with Barb checked some prices on the Telus phones for pay as you go. Had lunch looked in stores then headed to her place and I then walked to church. Anyway ... I made it to church and it was amazing. A lot of stuff happened. I went to the front with Barb during service. Well ends up I cried 3 times lol. I just needed some healing in my life and I actually did get some of that spiritually healing. Had like 3 visions too. Really cool ones too. But I won't talk about those :). I got enough people telling me I'm crazy or stupid cause I actually vented for once. Kinda funny how people are such hypocrites some times. But no ones perfect or without sin. So all is good I suppose. Other then what I vented early :). My mom replied. She posted in the more recent post. I moved it down to the appropriate topic post and posted my comments back.

Its truly funny though. Parents are clueless. I remember a post my mom made not to long ago on one of my blogs. She said something along the lines of "Your doing so much better". But its funny cause I've always been religious, shes just never known. Parents never know what us kids think cause we never tell them. So its kinda weird cause I can fully express myself now on my blog. But parents also get to see the other side of me one they would not normally see. But its weird too, cause sometimes I hold back. But as you seen I didn't with the last one. We all need to vent and I blew my top. I've held things back for so long, or suppressed emotions so long that came to my down fall for over 2 years. Now that I can better handle my emotions, I need to express them. I'm probably rambling to much but hey. I gotta express myself some how :P. (So don't be mad because you know what & where I write, just be glad you know where I express myself)...

God bless

Well that was a quiet interesting few days. My mom never did reply to the e-mail I sent her. And my girlfriend and myself are back on track. She apologized for her stuff she pulled. I'm doing OK at work as well. Beating expectations in sales. So that kinda makes you feel somewhat good. I also started reading a book called "Putting away childish things" its a great book on self healing through the grace of god and how he can heal even things in a very deep past things we may have dug deep into our unconscious minds of our childhood memories or things that have scared us. So far I'm really enjoying it and i will probably review it once I've done reading it. Pretty good book so far though. Barb and myself are supposed to get together sometime this Sunday and hang out. I also had my roommate take some new pictures of me. I wouldn't post them on my blog though. I dunno I just don't like to post stuff like that on here lol..My mom sent me a new coat too! I didn't get a chance to post that I got really ticked off and posted the bad instead of some of the good. So my mom got me like 4 pairs of pants, a coat, a really cool pocket knife (a collectors type), sent some of my dvds, etc. So that made my day. I'm also working on getting a cell phone. Hopefully I will get one soon. Oh yeah and my mom also sent me some pictures. Some from our trip to Vancouver when we went whale watching. That was a fun trip. She also sent some old photos of myself. Its really depressing and very delightful to see old pictures. The great memories that they hold. But those were the days of no worries in life other then your next candy fix. And you looked very cute :P. I want the cute part back but hey I can't win them all. She also sent a photo album which I filled up :). So that was also a fun thing. In the book I'm reading "Putting away childish things" that our childhood memories can be of great joy or very stressful or make you very sad. Some of us have had traumatic experiences as children or in our teen years that have scared us. If you haven't read the book I suggest you give it a look its very interesting :). Its written by a pastor has a lot of scriptures to back stuff up and all. (Personally I hate books, especially factual stuff, but this stuff is gooooood :]).

I hope all of you are doing well.

God bless

You know being a Christian we are supposed to lead by example. Well today is one I shall not do so. I want to let stuff out and damn well am I gonna say the stuff I want to say..

Life is ironic your expected to do so much and people just wanna fuck with you. Like your parents for one. One just wants to know when hes going to get his next pill of perks so he can swallow 20 of em and get high off em. Another wants to hold your computer from you. As they think they are some how helping you but in the end it just pisses you off to no end. And its kinda sad cause my mom reads this blog. You have yet to reply to my e-mail too. I'm thankful for what you've helped me with but you just seem to want to make me mad so.... I have nothing really much to say.. Then your girlfriend wants to pull bullshit trips and pretend like shes a freaking victim of all things. I have no time or patience for such childish shit like that and I will not stand for it either. These are the times you wish everyone would just shut up and leave you alone. The only one that isn't mad at me or who I'm not mad at is my roommate which is good. I have a lot of respect for him. I'm tired of holding shit and I guess I will be expressing myself more now too!

But I guess I can clearly say Life is a bitch and damned for all if I not leave it soon. Call me an asshole, Call me a bastard. It might all be true!

Well yesterday was such an interesting day. I went to work on Friday which is normal. I had to make a deal to leave 2 hours early. Of course they are making me make that up for 2 hours on Sunday. Thats annoying to go in just for 2 hours LOL. But hey what can you do anyway. Me and Barb (my girlfriend) went to our church cause we were doing a CD release party at the church and invited a bunch of youth to come as well. Purposively the church had a battle of the bands in the summer when I wasn't living in brantford yet and Make Shift Policy won that battle and now we were hosting their CD release party. Anyway Guilty As Charged opened up for Make Shift Policy and put on an awesome show themselves, They also were in the battle of the bands and came 2nd place. So its was all good the shows went great and I bought their Cd's and of course being who I am I wanted them to sign my Cd's. Well I got that done. That now makes for me having 6 signed Cd's. I love signed Cd's. Its all good though.

But after the show was over is when all the fun began. Some of the kids had decided that it might be cool to trash the mens and woman's washrooms. The woman's washrooms was very minimal though we had to add particle board to the bottom of the stalls cause the stall doors were so high and basically you could see in the other stalls. So we had those on their and they decided to kick them all off :|. The mens washroom got the worst of it. They decided to take the soap bottle and spray it on the mirror, all along the walls, as well as smash the picture in the washroom and steal the picture. Lets just say it took 2 hours to clean the mens bathroom. This personally is a slap in the face of disrespect to my place of worship. Although I forgive them for what they have done. So basically thats how yesterday went. Cleaning for 2 hours :|.

I'm also letting my hair grow :). My bangs are past my eyes (this is very long for me LOL). So I'm letting it grow out some and seeing what happens with it. I also wanna streak my hair. That might come soon :). I also looked at my referrals today and I'm listed as the top #2 gamer blog here on blog-city. *UPDATE* Make that #1 :). *End Update* I am quiet humble to actually be able to say people read what I write. And some of you actually like it. (May it be the 3 people that actually come back that is) :). Barb and myself are going good to and I'm happy to say that I'm having a lot of fun.

Today kinda sucked though. My roommate Paul was supposed to do a concert today at the church. None of you know but Paul is a performing artist. He hasn't done a album in over 5 years though. He just hasn't had time to record in a while. But he arranged to have a Grand piano brought in for him to play on tonight. But unfortunately weather had other plans and we got slammed with 20cm (don't ask in inches I don't know :|) within 8 hours. So unfortunately Paul had to cancel. I was really looking forward to going too!

Geek side time:

I do see their are lots and lots of good games coming out this year! I'm really excited lol. F.E.A.R will be out in Q2 of 2005 so thats kewl! Age of Empires 3 as well sometime soon. I won't let my geeky side talk to long cause most of you could care less about my geeky side :P. But lets just say I'm realllllllly looking forward to this years lineup of some very awesome games :)

Quote of the day: A life without christ, is a life that is never fixed.

God Bless all of you and be safe :)

A new beginning in life is one a lot wish they could do. A new start in a new city, a new apartment or house and a new job. Well thats me. It all started back in September. I'm finally just getting on my feet here in my new home town. The job is going good. Pay is moderate. But its more then what I use to make by just a smidgen. So its nice to say that. Of course I now have a girlfriend as well and thats going really good.

But to reflect on the past is always good to see how far one has actually come as well. Just to think of 4 years ago brings much of growth in myself. I shouldn't say the last 4 years have been great to say the least. I for one got jumped 4 years ago. Had lots of panic attacks during that time as well. And also lived with a drunk. So those were the bad parts in my life that I have long overcome the fear of it all. The really good parts would having been competing in a mod I played at the time was Q3F and Threewave both Quake 3 mods. I still miss playing them till this date. Q3F was ported to ET engine and was just released last week so now its ETF. And that gets me down that I'm missing out on that fun too. Competing online in these so called mods are like Canada without its hockey right now. Its our pass time. And that pass time got me through a lot of the junk in my past. They were the only thing that truly kept me happy about having a life with out the despair I had in it. It may not be so much my only happy spot in my life if I were to have it. But it would be still something I miss deeply without my fun times.

But of course I do have my girlfriend right now and that is growing very considerably. Especially over the last week my feelings have changed quiet moderately in the forward motion. This would mark our month and a half of dating as of today's date as well. So its going good :)

So what is true growth? I can tell you a few things I've learned since I have not had a computer in since September (5 months later) and probably another (CENSORED) 5 till I finally get my PC. One lesson would be that what makes a man is the people he surrounds himself with, may it be with your friends or family. Or that god will always pull us up from our most darkest hour and delivery us. I've learned so much about god since living with Paul (my roommate) I shouldn't say in part from September on but over the past 5 years Paul has tried to instill a lot of things in me which some he might have succeeded in and well some not to well :). But thats to be expected I suppose.

I also spiffied up the design of the site. I got sick of the dull colours that was a default template. I have my own personality that I want to portray :). But this blog software is so limited it kinda sucks. Maybe I will code one for myself once I get my PC again. Along with my other numerous coding projects. Like I tell everyone else. I will be the next biggest programmer in the year 2056 cause I will release everything I have all at once lol. I'm a perfectionist when I code anything so it takes 40 years for me to actually get it out there. But hey some things change and maybe thats one soon to be come :).

Well I probably should shut up as some people complained I talk to much :)

God Bless and Take Care

You know I've watched 2 war movies in the past week or so. I've watched "Schindler's List" and today I watched "The Pianist" both movies portrayed the Holocaust in one form or another. And it really amazes me how people can be so cruel. It really disturbs me that this happened in our history. Its a shamelessness act of cruelty. One that I hope would never be repeated again for that fact. My words just can't describe my disgust of these events. But I think the good parts of those movies would have to be people trying to help the Jews by helping them hide or just by helping them stay alive. Now thats some selflessness stuff right there.

Well were now in 2005. What a good start it has been indeed..... I had Barb over for new years. We watched "Simon Birch" on the TV and then we watched the count down for Toronto. It wasn't to bad of a countdown the fireworks sucked hardcore though. But me and Barb had some fun trying to get to know each other more. We talked a lot about a few things. She left about 1:20 am. Had our first kiss last night to, we've only been dating for about 3 weeks. And I just want to take things slow so...... I also got off early from work to get off when Barb got off. So that means Monday I'm working a 11 hr shift *HORROR* so yeah 12pm-11pm :|. Sad isn't it... But oh well what can you do... hehe

I'm looking forward to my next check for working Christmas and such. Hopefully its a really good pay. So I can save a little money maybe, or just put some money down on my debts, to at least get caught up.

Hopefully all of you had a safe New Year. And may it start the right way without all the strife. I also would like to ask you all to pray for the people who have died over seas from the tsunami. It truly is very saddening to me and hopefully god has them in his hands....

I'm very humble with my recent post and the acceptance that I have received from the comments about it. Sure I got a few hecklers about it, but I wont let that get me down because there will always be people who want to feel superior to you in any way they can and it just makes me laugh so.

I had a pretty good day too! I went and see "In good Company" it was a good movie more of a mature comedy movie. It ended differently then what I thought. But its defiantly worth seeing. I told my girlfriends that "I loved her" for the first time. Its starting to get really serious. Shes a little ahead of me emotionally but I'm catching up. And I also spoke with my dad, he was telling me that he had sent 4000 pesos to the Philippines to my step moms family. That is about $100.00 CND and 4000 pesos is about 6 months wages for them. So he was able to bless them a lot. And he mentioned as to say "Luckily I called them". They didn't ask for the money he just gave it. So I then told him I understand why what has happened in the past has happened. I believe that god is finally healing my dad of his short comings. Leading my dad to him and now hes helping bless the Philippines.

I also would like to ask any of you to pray for a friend of my girlfriends who suffered a massive heart attack this week that he will have a speed recovery and all that good stuff..

It also has been a sad week for my church as well as 2 people I know in the church has had family pass away this week as well. I also hope I can write some more sermons sometime as well..

God bless and stay strong in your beliefs

Well I had my day off today. It was pretty good :). I got to sleep in some today which was nice I got up at 7:20 am on Sat and then didn't hit the bed till 1am so I at least got to sleep in till 12:30 which was nice. I then proceeded over to Barbs (my girlfriends) apartment. We talked for a little bit and then watched "Matrix Revolution" thats the 2nd one i think. Anyway if thats wrong we seen Matrix 2 and not the final one. I left at 4pm and came home and watched most of "I Robot" it wasn't to bad at all. I thought it was going to be really retarded. But in fact it was actually something worth watching so that made me happy at least.... Like I said I got to watch most of it. I then proceeded to church for of course the regular Sunday service. The service was AWESOME! And it was so funny to cause I went outside with Barb when "WE THOUGHT" the service was over and we went back in. And this song they were playing was like HOLY COW! The whole church was moving the song was kicking butt. I mean it was really good and I'm thinking to myself man I gotta get this song whoever sings it. Now at the end of the service I asked what song it was. Now the funny thing was it was something they made up as they went along. I mean these guitar rifts were flipping and the piano was kicking and the drums were HOLY COW! I dunno what happened today but the band just kicked my butt (my roommates the piano player). So its really cool that we were all dancing to this awesome song and it was all god inspired as you go along. Totally cool stuff.. I'm also working on my sermon right now as well hopefully I can put it up Monday or Tuesday or maybe late tonight but I highly doubt that happening... The hits have been great I have over 3000+ visitors come to my site and that is kick ass to me. It makes me feel good that I can get an audience for my rants/raves and my godly stuff I TRY to write :)

Well I hope all is good with you guys and god willing your all healthy :)

God bless!

First off, I know most of you will just brush this blog post off because I'm going to be talking about god. But maybe if you give it a read maybe you might like it who knows eh? :) Now I'm by no means a preacher or any of that sort. But this is something that I feel I had to write so I am :) So hopefully I do OK on it!

The topic I really wanted to iterate on today was worship. The word "Worship" is a short form of the word Worth Ship! Now the word worth ship has a lot of meaning. When we worship god we show his worth to us in our lives. He is worthy of our praise he is worth everything we have to offer him. Now when we "Worship" god do we show his worth in our praise? Do we just go to church to sing "Some of those Godly Songs"? Or are we their to just keep the seats warm. Just going to church to sing those so called "Worship Songs" is not worship in the slightest. The word worship has so many meanings.

Philippians 3:3

"For we [Christians] are the true circumcision, who worship God in spirit and by the Spirit of God and exult and glory and pride ourselves in Jesus Christ, and put no confidence or dependence [on what we are] in the flesh and on outward privileges and physical advantages and external appearances"

Now what this verse is basically saying is that we as Christians we're worship god in spirit and glorify god with our hearts showing him praise by singing or dancing, or just by living for him. Now thats not all we can do in praise there is a lot of other forms of glorifying god. Now the dependence on the "Flesh" is one that the Jews believed was their mark of being a Christian this mark was in the form of a male's circumcision. They believed if they Marked them self with this they would be labelled as Christian. Now Verse 2 states:

Philippians 3:2
"Look out for those dogs [Judaizers, legalists], look out for those mischief-makers, look out for those who mutilate the flesh."

This basically just states that we should be on our guard and watch out for the false teaches of Jewish teachers. The Jewish teachers were teaching that we needed to mark ourselves as being a Christian by physically circumcising was the only way of our salvation. The Jews were saying that salvation only belonged to the Jews and that it must be earned by keeping the laws.

Now the Apostle Paul on the other hand taught that we are saved by the Grace of god alone; that the salvation is a FREE gift from god. That we truly can never earn it, but merely that we can only humbly accept what god has offered to us.

And Paul goes on to say to the Jewish teachers "if you have nothing to show but circumcision of the flesh, if all you have is a Physical Mark on your body then you are NOT really circumcised. - You are merely mutilated.
You probably think why does Paul keep bring up the word "circumcised" well back then this was a sign of your faith in god. But what the literal teaching of being circumcised was that "Truly circumcised" people who I we will refer as the "True Believers" have allowed god to cut away their sin and evil from their lives. Those who's hearts are laid bare before god are the ones truly circumcised in his glory.

Now Paul teaches us that real circumcision is the devotion of the heart, mind, thoughts and life to god. And because of that Paul says "The Christians who are truly circumcised not with a outward badge or Mark on their flesh, but with that inner + spiritual circumcision that the bibles speaks of.


Philippians 3:3
For we [Christians] are the true circumcision, who worship God in spirit and by the Spirit of God and exult and glory and pride ourselves in Jesus Christ, and put no confidence or dependence [on what we are] in the flesh and on outward privileges and physical advantages and external appearances"


Now Paul was declaring that Christian worship had nothing to do with Ritual, rules or regulations. Christians worship is a thing of the spirit and of the heart.

The True Christian
The Truly Circumcised person
The Person who is really in true relation with god...
Worships god - not with outward forums or actions of observances, but with true devotion and sincerity of the heart.

Now when we study worship in the bible we discover that it is not confined to "Praise" as one would think as with Praise & worship music. In fact "Praise" is only one expression or element of worship to god.


1) The key feature of Biblical worship was Sacrifice.

Hebrews 13:15
"Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name."

Romans 12:1
"APPEAL to you therefore, brethren, and beg of you in view of [all] the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God, which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship."

2) Prayer is another very important element in worship.

Acts 2:42
"And they steadfastly persevered, devoting themselves constantly to the instruction and fellowship of the apostles, to the breaking of bread [including the Lord's Supper] and prayers."

3) Confession of sin was clearly an important part of biblical worship.

4) The biblical worship included the proclamation of The Word.

5) Biblical worship always provided an opportunity to present Tithes & Offerings to the lord.

6) One unique element in the corporate worshipping (church) in the New Translation was the celebration of the sacraments, communion and baptism.

7) Praise is essential to Christian Worship. Some methods of Praise would be:

1) We praise god in our churches (Corporately)
2) We sing songs to express our praise to god.
3) Music is another method of biblical praise
4) We can bring praise to god by telling others about god's wonderful deeds in our lives.
5) And the bible says in the bible about how when we live our life for god we bring him praise.

Philippians 1:11
"May you abound in and be filled with the fruits of righteousness (of right standing with God and right doing) which come through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One), to the Honor and praise of God [that His glory may be both manifested and recognized]."

8) Of course there are many more :)

The worship of god is not confined to just the expression of praise or in its various other forms. Worshipping god is much Greater in all!

True individual worship, spiritual worship is the offering of our whole being and all that we do with it, every day, to god. (Body, Mind, Soul, Spirit & Strength).

Real worship is not just singing songs for 30 minutes before the offering is being taken. If I may I would like to quote a verse from a song called "I'm coming back to the Heart Of Worship"


Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Now thats whats I'm talking about right there. What is god worth to you? Are you going to be just the person who keeps the chair warm or are you going to be the real deal and worship him with all that you are and and praise him everyday of you life. When Jesus Christ comes into our lives we are new peoples. The center of our being is changed/different. The driving force behind our life is different and our mind is different. For now we have the mind of Christ in us. And when Christ becomes the center of life. Then we can offer true worship. Then we are Marked by worship. Worship which is the offering of every moment and every action of life to god.

This is my challenge to you to be more then the seat warmer give all your worth and show god how much he means to you. Give him the praise that he deserves and you will see many gifts from god. One thing comes to mind of what a girl from my church who drew a picture of god and with his gifts he asked "Is that enough?". I will leave that with you to think about. Don't forget to comment.

God Bless

Well me and Barb had another date on Tuesday. We went to Boston Pizza for dinner. It was Pasta Tuesday, which was cool so we got pasta. I got shrimp penne and she got spaghetti and meat balls. It was really good too! Then we ended going to the late show and seeing "Darkness" I liked it. She said she was scared. But it was still a good movie. The ending was quiet different then most scary movies. So that was a nice change.

I also have been keeping my eye on the poll! At least most of you believe in god :). I would also like to thank anyone who donated to Shannon's Ride of the roses. I also had a record today of over 550 visits in one day. The previous day was 180. LOL it surprised the heck out of me.. I also made a record with comments so that makes me more happy. I plan on writing a mini sermon for my blog. Well when I say mini it usually means about 340000 pages. I can never be brief. If you haven't noticed before..

My dad still hasn't called me back from the last time I talked to him. Nor have I got any replies to my e-mails. He also said he was gonna deposit 100$ into my account as a late Christmas present. But hopefully he will get back to me soon.

Work has been going pretty good lately as well. But the last 2 days has been slow I've been receiving some special training for enterprise sales. Myself and some other agents have been hand selected to be a backup team if anything happens to one of the other call centres. So Its kinda a Honor to say your a good rep we want you.. So thats kinda cool. But it also means I gotta know a lot more junk ERG! Now if I could get a raise outta that then all the better. But that won't be happening LOL!
I've also been trying to grow my hair. I want to let it grow. Hopefully the bangs won't drive me nuts until I say screw it. LOL. But I was wondering if any of you ladies know of a hair color for dark brown hair to do streaks. I looked but it said it was for blonde hair only.... Let me know :)
Hopefully everyone is doing well :)

God Bless

This is a story of a boy, a boy that turned into a man and became who he is today! Through all of the trials and tribulations that was put in his path he still stands strong!

Name: Josh
Nickname(s): Whitepyro & Evildobbi
Born to Parents: Bev & Ken
Date Of Birth: July 20th 1983 (07/20/1983)
Home Town: St. Catharines, ONT
Current Residence: Brantford, ONT
Current Occupation: Telephone Sales Rep
Religion: Christian
Hobbies: Computer Gaming, writing poetry, Spending time with my girlfriend, Listening to music, Coding, Mixing Trance Music!
Favourite Music: Demon Hunter, Hawk Nelson, Jeremy Camp, Thousand Foot Krutch, KJ52, Switchfoot, Falling up, Kutless, DJ Tiesto, along with mostly any other trance music..
Favourite Music Types: Trance, Punk, Rock!
Favour Food: Pizza, Chinese, pasta, Mac and cheese.
Favourite Colour: Blue
Dream Vacation: England, Australia or New Zealand
Things I could do without: Squash, Turnip, Rude People!
Good Books: "The Outsides","That was then this is now","Harry Potter Series"

If theirs anything I missed just ask and I will add it :P

You know life is so uncertain. We all have our dreams and aspirations we want out of life. As of late I'm truly unsure of what I want to do in life. My dream is to be in the gaming industry making video games. Thats my true dream. But dose one easily give up on their dreams due to the odds of getting a job in the industry? I know a lot of mapping (making levels for games), as well very bare minimum texture artistry, and I'm good at coding in Internet languages. But dose that not make me qualified? Very much not so. Its truly amazing for me. In my life I have seen a lot of my friends hit it big in the industry. I know people working at Raven Software, Splash Damage, Ritual Software. But even though they've made it. Could I really do that? I want to go to school and learn everything about creating games.. I would love to work on a mod for quake 3 or doom 3, half life 2 maybe some of the upcoming games. I have always love to game and I got really involved back in the day of Q3F when it was in its prime it had a very good community of gamers. Although I sucked at playing the game I loved it so much that I pitched in and programmed a free piece of software to help support the gaming community(s) I was involved in. It was called "Clan Infinity" I'm sure if you google it you would find info about it and about my work. But I did not stop their either, I was also a columnist for the community at a long but gone site called "PQ3F.com". Those were my hay days. I got very well known in the community due to my association with all the things I've done in the community. I want to get back their again and finish the 2nd version of "Clan infinity 2.0" Which has been in the works for over a 2 years on and off. But thats still on hold as my computer is still in Seattle, WA. And my mom won't give it to me... LOL. Anyway. My thoughts wonder and I wonder if I should try and fight the odds of it all. Should I get back on track with my dream? Is it so far fetched for my dream? I want it a lot and I want to do it badly. I could get references from my friends of my work I got assurance of that. When I was a kid I wanted to be a cop as well. I kinda rethought that through too! But that seems really dangerous! Then there's god who wants me to be helping people and helping youth. See I feel thats a strong pull that god wants me to do. But I don't think its what he wants me to do as a job more of on the side lines. I have already started helping people. If you've read my blog you would know all to well of my helping of others. But all in all give me your opinion. Is a dream so hard to forget or just brush aside? Is it worth the odds of going through school for it all and just not be able to get into the industry?

I also helped my friend yesterday who has Lymphoma. I donated $20.00 for his trip hes gonna be doing in OCT 2005! Its called Ride of the roses. He has lost 2 friends from cancer and he is also fighting for the second time with his. So being a Christian man I decided to donate and help him in this charitable cause.

Heres a snippet from his e-mail:

In memory of Al Koza and Brian Furness who passed away this summer
from a long and courageous battle with cancer, I am going to complete the
100-mile Ride for the Roses on Oct 21-23, 2005. I am also doing this
for myself having been battling Lymphoma since June 2003. I'd like to ask
you to join me in this effort by making a donation to the Lance
Armstrong foundation in Al's memory, in Brian's memory, or in tribute to a
cancer survivor close to you.

The Ride for the Roses is a bike ride organized by Lance Armstrong,
cancer survivor and six-time winner of the Tour de France. It's held
each year in Austin, TX and attracts more than 6,500 entrants, from Lance
Armstrong and Robin Williams to, well, me! My goal is to complete the
100 mile course. This will be the longest ride I have ever attempted.

Would you please support this effort by pledging a donation for my
ride? The money goes to cancer research and help for cancer survivors. I
have included donation information below, including instructions for
donating on line and a form for offline donations. A donation of any
amount is deeply appreciated.

More Information can be found here:
http://www.lymphomaniacs.org/SCase/rftr2005.php

Sincerely,
Shannon 'Stickboy' Case

So I'm asking if you wish to help my friend please feel to help him in such a good cause. You can donate at https://secure.laf.org/Donations/donate_amount.cfm?sid=200258281
May god bless you all! Please leave comments I'd love to hear from you if you donate or not..

God Bless

Its amazing. I had a really good day at church spent some time with my girlfriend Barb during service, then half the church went to Wendy's and I bought Barb and myself something to eat. I feels nice to have some money to be able to share just like yesterday with me and Sarah the one who had no money for lunch and I bought her a sub. I'm in tears right now. Just got off the phone with my dad. I told him about my past of being suicidal. Just like my mom he did not know. But I told him. He also said he was proud of me because I found god during all of it and thanked Paul (my roommate) for all the help he gave me. I don't think I would be here today if it were not for Paul and god. He also said hes proud of me for having a job and having a girlfriend as well. He also said he loved me... Words I have longed to hear. My relationship has been broken between my dad for so long my step mom ruined his and mine relationship. We actually got to talk though. I'm glad to hear he's also finally attending church now. This makes me really happy..... But its also amazing when I feel I have nothing but I am so blessed in many ways that I finally just realized... I have a roof over my head, I have a job and a girlfriend and god has given me all this.. But most of all hes building bridges back between me and my dad. I serve an amazing god that loves me so much and I am so undeserving of his love. I am just in so many tears I'm sorry. I just wanted to share this on how god is blessing me and my life.. I can't word anything better enough for how thankful I am..

Praise be to god..

Have you ever heard life is like a window? I really like to think as life as a window. If one thing may go wrong that window will shatter and you will be on the floor in pieces. The window is shattered and broken. Thats how I am feeling today. I'm confused and basically somewhat depressed. I don't know why really, It happens a lot with me where I just get depressed for no reason. I think a lot of has to do with my girlfriend Barb. I'm confused on where its going. And why shes taking this relationship so serious. We've only been dating 1 month now. Its odd. I don't know If I'm afraid. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. Maybe a month is a time where things get serious.. I don't know. I think I'm afraid of what might come of it. If I let it go and advance into something more so. Life confuses the hell out of me sometimes.

Sometimes I wish life were like a windshield window. If that shatters its not going to cut your face because of the safety measures that the manufactures do with the glass like laminating it so it dose not shatter in your face. Like makes you wish life was like that so you could get hit and bounce back and be normal again. I'm really afraid in where god wants me to go with Barb in this relationship. I don't know what I need or should do. Not saying stuff like sexually or anything like that. But more emotionally. I haven't been here really in ages. And like I've said 4000 times already I'm afraid. Have any of you felt like this before? I would love to hear your comments. I sure do need your support and your advice..

Hopefully I will get some advice some you guys.

God bless

Until today I'd be uncertain. Uncertain of my direction! Uncertain of the flow! Where should this world take me? Shall I fall on my knees and ask for his mercy? Should I stand and ask for his strength? Should I be still and be at his grandest? Or should I be fast and be in his glory? Should I stand without any fear? Should I be strong and bring many near? Should I follow my heart? If I be guided should I not follow? If I go astray should I not call for help? Or should I just be steadfast to what god's will might be? Should I open my eyes for what god wants me to see?

I guess only god knows. What he wants me to do this year. These are questions we all should be asking ourselves. Are we ready for the will that god has for us? Do we heed his call? Do we obey his command? Let us be strong and follow his lead. So we can help others become set free. As I have been through his grace.

Short and sweet as it may be I hope you listen and think to what I have said :)

May god guide you through your troubles and bless you many times over.

God Bless